Family conflicts and their causes. Family conflicts. Positive family psychotherapy

Reading time: 4 minutes

Family conflict is a fairly common phenomenon today. Conflict can be considered an ordinary feature of social institutions, it is inevitable and inevitable. This is why conflict must be seen as a natural part of family life. It should be taken as one of the manifestations of natural human interaction, since not in all situations it can act destructively on a couple. In some cases, conflicts, on the contrary, are one of the core processes that serve to preserve the whole.

The main value of conflicts is considered to be that they work to prevent the ossification of the system, open the way to new formations and progress in relationships. Conflict is a kind of stimulus that leads to transformation; it is a challenge that requires a creative response.

Causes of family conflicts

Many people getting married quite often do not realize that family relationships are not only living together and having children, but also the ability, the desire to take care and understand each other, to give happiness.

So, what are the reasons for the psychological conflict in the family? A conflict situation is a clash of opposite and sometimes hostile needs, positions, views, opinions, interests. There are several common typical causes of conflict situations in almost any family. These include:

• completely different views on living together;

• unmet needs;

• adultery;

• drunkenness of one of the partners;

• lack of respect of partners for each other;

• non-participation in the life and upbringing of children;

• selfishness of spouses;

• excessive jealousy, etc.

The listed reasons for the occurrence of conflict situations in family life are by no means all the possible reasons that can cause quarrels between partners. Most often, in the joint life of the weak and strong half of humanity, conflict situations cause several reasons at the same time. Therefore, all conflicts should be divided into two types, each of which has a dependence on the way in which they are resolved.

The first type is constructive, which consists in a certain level of tolerance towards each other, endurance, refusal from humiliation and insults. Creative conflicts include the search for the causes of the emergence of conflict situations, mutual willingness and the ability to conduct a dialogue, the effort to modify the existing relationship. The result of constructive conflicts will be established friendly relations between partners. The main result of such conflicts is constructive dialogue. To such communication, you can rightfully apply the saying that truth is born in a dispute.

A destructive psychological conflict in the family represents countless insults, humiliation by spouses of each other, the desire to offend a partner, teach a lesson or blame him. The result of such conflicts is the loss of mutual respect. And communication between them is transformed into a duty, a duty, and most often unpleasant, burdening, which leads to the disintegration of the family.

It should be noted that most of the conflicts of a destructive nature arise from improper female behavior. Women much more often than men seek to spite them, try to take revenge on their partners and teach them a lesson. This is due to the high emotionality and sensitivity of the weak half of humanity. And also with the well-established role of feminines in family life, which has long ceased to satisfy women's needs, ambitions and aspirations.

Therefore, the following main reasons for the emergence of conflicts in the family can be distinguished:

• aspiration of one or both partners to realize in marriage, first of all, their own, personal needs;

• unmet need for self-realization and self-affirmation;

• inability of partners to communicate constructively with each other, with friends, relatives, comrades, acquaintances and work colleagues;

• excessively developed material aspirations for one of the spouses or both at the same time;

• unwillingness of one of the partners to participate in family life, housekeeping;

• overestimated self-esteem of one of the partners;

mismatch in the methods of education or views on the education of one of the partners;

• lack of desire for one of the partners to raise children;

• differences in the opinions of spouses about the essence of the roles of wife, mother, husband, father, head of the family;

• mismatch of views on the role of a woman or a man in family life;

• unfounded and empty expectations;

• misunderstanding, the consequence of which is the unwillingness to conduct a joint dialogue or constructively interact with each other;

• different for partners;

• inability or unwillingness to take into account the types of temperament;

• intimate neglect, excessive or cheating on one of the spouses;

• material distress or domestic disorder;

• differences in spiritual, moral and value orientations;

• bad habits and the consequences associated with them.

There are also more private reasons associated with the characteristics of a particular family.

Conflicts in a young family

In order to minimize the likelihood of the emergence of conflicts in newly formed families of a destructive nature and to answer the question “how to avoid conflicts in the family”, both partners must have at the proper level motivational, moral, social, psychological and pedagogical readiness.

Moral and social readiness is civic maturity. The criteria for civic maturity are age, education, profession, morality, health and economic independence. The most favorable age for marriage from the point of view of medicine is 20-22 years for the female part of the population and 23-28 for the male, since the male body reaches full maturity later than the female.

Also, the ratio of their ages is considered to be an important point helping the successful adaptation of spouses in marriage. The fragility of family relations, in the overwhelming majority, is observed in families where the woman is older than the man. The strength of a marriage depends on the age difference between partners. The older the people entering into a marriage union, the more years a man should be older than a woman. Moreover, the maximum age difference between partners should not exceed 12 years.

The level of morality of young individuals is one of the most important factors of readiness to enter into a marriage and start a family. Developed morality is manifested in the spouses' awareness of the social significance of the family, a thoughtful choice of the chosen one, a serious attitude towards marriage, a sense of responsibility for the family, full respect for the future spouse, his relatives, responsiveness, communication with them.

The readiness and well-being of family relations is highly dependent on the state of health of individuals entering into the bonds of marriage. A healthy lifestyle contributes to the development of the spirituality and moral culture of the individual, the strengthening of intra-family relationships, the maintenance of friendly and respectful relations with the surrounding society, and also helps the individual to cope much easier with psycho-emotional difficulties and withstand stressful situations that often arise in family life.

Numerous studies carried out indicate that the criterion of housing security and material well-being does not directly affect family stability. However, poor housing and material conditions can often exacerbate conflict situations that arise for other reasons. Motivational readiness combines love, as the main motive for creating a family, a sense of responsibility for the family, readiness for independence, childbearing and raising children, forming self-sufficient individuals out of them.

Psychological readiness consists in the presence of developed communication skills, the unity of positions or the similarity of views on social and family life, the ability to create a morally and psychologically healthy climate in relationships, the constancy of character and feelings, formed volitional personal qualities. The family atmosphere in which the future spouses were born and raised, for the most part, determines how the fate of the young family will develop in the future, whether it disintegrates or not.

Pedagogical readiness includes pedagogical literacy, intimate upbringing, economic and economic skills. The pedagogical literacy of individuals entering into marriage presupposes knowledge of the patterns of the formation of children and the methods of their upbringing, skills of caring for babies. Household and economic skills mean the ability to plan and distribute the family's budget, organize leisure, create comfort, and establish a way of life.

Sexual upbringing consists in the assimilation of the necessary knowledge about sexual relations between partners and the intimate aspects of an individual's life, about how to preserve your love.

Prevention of conflicts in the family includes a certain preparation of individuals for life together.

There are practically no families without conflicts, especially young ones. After all, a person is in a stable conflict even with himself. Conflict situations in family relationships can be completely different. They are found between spouses, children, and generational conflicts in the family are also frequent.

Conflicts between children in the family

Conflict situations that arise in a family between children are a fairly common phenomenon. Almost all families face this problem after the appearance of the second baby. Children conflict with older or younger brothers and sisters in order to try to defend their own position and attract the attention of adults and win them over to their side.

As a rule, parents always intervene in conflicts between children, trying to reconcile them. However, this often makes the situation worse. Parents think they have solved the problem, but in reality, the children simply stop fighting in their presence. This happens because the true cause of the conflicts has not been found, as a result of which it is not possible to resolve the conflict.

Frequent causes of children's conflicts are the struggle for leadership among other children, the position in the family, and also, for the attention of adults. Quarrels between children in a family serve as a so-called indicator of family relationships. If they happen often, then everything is not good in family relationships. Moreover, the dysfunction of family relationships is expressed not only in frequent quarrels between children, but also between the parents themselves. Generational conflicts in the family are also a clear indicator of a dysfunctional relationship.

However, you should not be upset about the emergence of conflict situations. After all, they are inevitable. Even the happiest families have conflicts. However, they pass and are resolved in different ways.

You should not try to explain frequent childish quarrels by character traits or hereditary babies. After all, the behavior of children, in general, is directly dependent on the specific circumstances and methods of upbringing applied to them by their parents.

Prevention of conflicts in the family that arise between children is to ignore them by adults. Indeed, in most cases, the cause of children's conflicts lies in the so-called public work. And if such a "public" is absent or does not react, then the conflict itself is therefore ineffective. Therefore, it doesn't make sense.

Naturally, it is quite difficult for parents to remain indifferent and not intervene when their children quarrel. Most adults are simply convinced that if they do not intervene, the children will certainly hurt each other. Therefore, they try to reconcile the warring parties, often without delving into the reasons for such enmity. Very often the older child remains to blame. So, the only solution to conflicts in the family that occur between children is to ignore them. If you are still afraid that the children may harm each other, then take the dangerous items from them and let them solve the problem on their own. Babies are only in the rarest of cases capable of deliberately harming each other, because this is not their goal. They just want to attract the attention of adults, involving them in their own quarrels.

Family conflict resolution

The constructiveness of resolving conflicts between spouses is directly dependent, in the first place, on whether understanding reigns between them, whether they are guided in life together by behavior that is based on the ability to forgive and give in.

The main condition for the constructive completion of the controversial dialogue is under no circumstances to achieve victory over each other. After all, victory is unlikely to be considered a personal achievement if it is obtained through the defeat or resentment of a loved one. In any conflict, you need to remember that your partner is worthy of respect.

How to avoid conflicts in the family between spouses? You need to understand that conflicts are as much an inseparable part of family life as communication, everyday life, leisure, etc. Therefore, conflict situations should not be avoided, but try to resolve constructively. In the event of quarrels, one should adhere to a constructive dialogue using well-reasoned facts, while not applying categoricalism, claims, generalization and maximalism. There is no need to involve strangers or family members in conflicts if they do not directly concern them. It should be understood that a favorable climate in the family depends only on the behavior, goals and desires of the spouses, and not on other individuals. Outsiders can become a catalyst or detonator of a destructive conflict rather than a helping mechanism.

The resolution of conflicts in the family occurs in various ways, which lead to both the establishment of relations and their destruction. One of the ways to resolve conflicts that leads to family breakdown is. According to many psychologists, divorce is preceded by a process that includes three stages. The first stage is an emotional divorce, which manifests itself in cooling, indifference of partners to each other, loss of trust and loss of love. The next stage is physical divorce, which leads to separation. The final stage is considered to be a legal divorce, which implies the legal registration of the termination of the marriage.

Many couples are so tired of endless quarrels and conflicts that they see the only solution to the problem - divorce. For some, it really is a deliverance from unfriendliness, hostility, enmity, deception and other negative moments that darken life. However, it also has its negative consequences, which will be different for society, for the divorcing people themselves and their children.

A woman is considered more vulnerable during divorce, since she is much more susceptible to neuropsychiatric disorders. For children, the negative consequences of divorce will be much more significant than the consequences for adults. After all, the child thinks that he is losing one of the parents or blames himself for the divorce.

Ways to resolve conflicts in the family

A prosperous family differs from others in the presence of a sense of joy, happiness of today and tomorrow. In order to preserve this feeling, partners should leave a bad mood, problems and troubles outside their home, and bring home only an atmosphere of elation, happiness, joy and optimism.

Overcoming conflicts in the family and their prevention consists in mutual assistance of spouses and acceptance of the other person as he is in reality. If one partner is in a bad mood, then the second needs to help him get rid of the suppressed mental state, try to cheer and occupy his thoughts with something pleasant.

Overcoming conflicts in the family and preventing the occurrence of many mistakes depends on the observance of several basic principles of married life together. You need to try to really look at the contradictions that arise before marriage, and the differences of opinion that appear after marriage. Do not create illusions so as not to be disappointed in the future, because the present will hardly meet the norms and criteria you have planned. Take difficulties for good, since overcoming them together only brings people together. Overcoming difficult situations in life by both spouses together is a great opportunity to find out how much the partner is ready to live, guided by the principle of bilateral compromise.

Don't miss out on opportunities to learn about your spouse's psychology. Indeed, in order to live together in love and harmony, it is necessary to understand each other, learn to adapt, and also try to please each other.

Appreciate the little things. After all, minor, but frequent surprises, signs of attention are no less valuable and important than expensive gifts that can hide indifference, coldness and infidelity.

Learn to forgive and forget offenses, be more tolerant of each other. After all, everyone is ashamed of some of their own mistakes and it is unpleasant for him to remember them. Why remember what once has already broken your relationship and what should have been forgotten as soon as possible if you decided to forgive a person.

Do not impose your own requirements, try at all costs to preserve your partner's sense of dignity.

Appreciate a short separation. From time to time, partners bore each other, because even the most delicious food will become boring over time. Separation allows you to miss and helps you understand how strong the love between spouses is.

Speaker of the Medical and Psychological Center "PsychoMed"

Some specific issues, such as raising children, spending family money, and distributing household responsibilities, are not what constitutes marriage or contributes to its breakdown. Here everything decides, rather, the way that spouses choose to discuss painful issues. A simple agreement on how to express different points of view can help you deal with negative emotions and keep your relationship alive.

We talk about destructive strategies of behavior and how to properly resolve conflicts.

Harsh criticism

Most spouses have moments from time to time when dissatisfaction with what their partner has done is expressed in such a form that looks like hostile attacks on the person, and not on his act. And I must say that such harsh criticism of a partner has a much more destructive emotional impact than justified remarks.

In a healthy marriage, the husband and wife express their grievances openly and calmly.The difference between dissatisfaction and personal criticism is very simple. When making a complaint, the wife specifically states that she is upset and criticizes her husband's actions, not himself, telling him her reaction: "When you forgot to pick up my things from the dry cleaning, I decided you didn't give a damn about me." This is how basic emotional intelligence is expressed: affirmatively, but not aggressively or passively.

By resorting to personal criticism, she, on the contrary, uses a specific grievance to launch a global attack on her husband: "You always behave like a careless selfish, once again proving that you cannot be relied on for anything."After such a critical assessment, a person becomes ashamed, he feels dislike from his partner, he feels guilty and flawed. And he will decide on a defensive reaction, and at all will not take any steps to improve the state of affairs.

The situation is further exacerbated when criticism is spoken with contempt - a particularly destructive emotion. Contempt usually accompanies anger and is found not only in words, but also in tone of voice and angry facial expressions. The most open form of contempt, of course, remains a mockery or insult like: "nothing", "rag" and "rubbish".

Sign language that conveys contempt is no less offensive, especially such a universal mimic signal for expressing disgust as lips twisted in a malicious grin or a gaze raised to the ceiling, corresponding to the exclamation: "Well, you are a type!"

Solution: communicate without blame

In the verbal arsenal of spouses there are many labels and barbs: "you are selfish", "you are heartless", "you do not care about me", "you are simply incapable of intimacy", "you think that I am your property", "you are constantly that you demand something "," you whine all the time "," you are dependent. "

Try the no-blame method. His goal is to stop verbal duels and turn his attention to the real problem.

You need to make a purposeful effort and try not to pounce on your partner: express dissatisfaction with what he did, but not criticize him as a person and not express contempt.

Complaints should not turn into criticisms of character; they should be a clear statement that a particular act or act is causing suffering. An angry personal attack will almost certainly lead to the spouse becoming defensive or fencing off with a wall of silence. Additional frustration will arise, the quarrel will only worsen.

Wall of silence

Emotional attacks can trigger one of two responses: "fight or save." The most obvious choice is to strike back with a burst of angry rebuke. This path usually leads to an ineffectual competition in shouting over each other. But the alternative response - flight - may be more harmful, especially if "escape" is about falling into unbreakable silence.

The erection of the wall of silence marks the last line of defense. The silencer simply becomes impenetrable, assuming a stony expression on his face, becoming silent and thus virtually avoiding the conversation.

The wall of silence sends out a powerful unnerving signal, something like a combination of icy restraint, superiority, and dislike.

According to the observations of scientists, the stone wall of silence was found mainly in marriage unions, inexorably moving towards disaster. In 85 percent of such cases, it was the husband who resorted to this type of defense in response to the actions of his wife, who attacked him with criticism, pouring out her contempt.

Hiding behind a wall of silence is a habitual reaction that has a devastating effect on relationships: it cuts off all opportunities for resolving differences.

Solution: Discuss problems openly

As a rule, wives express their dissatisfaction louder and more openly than husbands (although there are exceptions). At the same time, men try in every possible way to avoid discussing unpleasant moments in a relationship. So this advice is mostly for the stronger sex.

Men are advised not to shy away from conflict, but to understand that when their wives begin to discuss any grievances or disagreements, they show love for their husbands, wanting to maintain good and lasting relationships (although, of course, female hostility may well have other motives).

If grievances and discontent simmer for a long time over a low fire, they inevitably escalate, and sooner or later an explosion will surely occur. But if all controversial issues are regularly “ventilated” and settled, tension will be released.

Husbands should also realize that irritation or dissatisfaction does not at all imply personal attacks: the emotions of wives often only serve as an indicator of the depth of their feelings about a particular occasion.

Men also need to be careful not to disrupt the discussion by offering a practical solution too early - it is generally more important for a wife to feel that her husband is listening to her complaints and imbued with her feelings about the issue under discussion. She may see offering them advice as a way to let her know that her feelings are inconsistent.

Husbands who are able to share the company of their wives during a fit of anger, instead of dismissing complaints as nonsense, help their dearest halves feel heard and respected. The most important thing wives want is for their feelings to be recognized and treated as valid, even if the husbands disagree with them. More often it happens that a wife, realizing that her opinion is heard, and her feelings are noticed, calms down.

Poisonous thoughts

The kids got naughty, and Martin, their father, started to get annoyed. He turned to his wife Melanie and asked sarcastically: "Darling, don't you think the children could have calmed down already?" In fact, he thought, "She is too lenient with children."

Melanie, responding to his anger, felt a wave of irritation roll over her. A tense expression appeared on her face, her eyebrows came together at the bridge of her nose, and she replied: “Children are frolicking. Anyway, they will soon go to bed. " And she herself thought: "Again he is for his own, always dissatisfied."

Now Martin was visibly angry. He leaned forward threateningly, clenched his fists and rapped out in an irritated tone: "Maybe I should put them down now?" And I thought: “She objects to me in everything. I ought to bet on my own. "

Melanie, suddenly frightened by Martin's rage, humbly muttered: "No, no, I'm going to put them to bed." A thought flashed through her mind: “He is not at all in control of himself, no matter how the children get caught. I'd better give in. "

Such parallel conversations - voiced and silent - are reported by Iron Beck, the founder of cognitive therapy. He cites them as an example of the types of thinking that can poison any marriage. The true exchange of emotions between Melanie and Martin is shaped by their thoughts, and these thoughts, in turn, are determined by another, deeper layer, which Beck calls "automatic thoughts" - fleeting background assumptions about themselves and the people in their lives.

For Melanie, the background thought will be something like: "He always harasses me with his irritation", and the main thought will enter Martin's head: "She doesn't dare treat me like that." In their marriage, Melanie feels like an innocent victim, and Martin feels righteous anger because he feels that he is being treated unfairly.

Thoughts of righteous resentment about the status of an innocent victim are typical of unhappy married couples and constantly fuel anger and resentment. As soon as disturbing thoughts begin to arise automatically, they will immediately begin to reinforce themselves: the partner who thinks he is being harassed constantly "scans" everything that the other partner does, highlighting what can confirm his position as a martyr, and not accepting calculation no benefit on the part of another that would question or refute his belief.

Solution: get rid of the pessimistic pattern

The general pattern of thought that sustains or alleviates suffering is consistent with the psychologist Martin Seligman's pessimistic and optimistic model.

The pessimistic point of view assumes that the partner is naturally full of flaws that cannot be changed, which is the guarantee of torment: “He is selfish and absorbed in himself; so he was brought up, so he will always be; he expects me to fulfill all his whims, and he doesn't care what I feel. "

The opposite - optimistic - point of view boils down to something like this: “Well, yes, now he is demanding, but he used to be attentive; maybe he is in a bad mood, I don’t know, maybe there is something bothering him in his work ”. This point of view does not put an end to the husband (or marriage) as something incorrigibly flawed and hopeless. On the contrary, she attributes the unpleasant moment to circumstances that may change.

The first attitude brings endless suffering, the second consoles. Pessimistic spouses are extremely prone to emotional outbursts. They become furious, offended or otherwise worried about what their "halves" are doing, and become agitated, once the attack begins. And of course, internal distress and a pessimistic attitude greatly increase the likelihood that when confronted with a partner they will resort to criticism and show contempt. And this, in turn, will increase the likelihood of leaving the wall of silence.

When emotions take over the mind

At the core of every strong emotion is a drive to action; the ability to manage these impulses is the essence of emotional intelligence. This is particularly difficult for people in intimate relationships where too much is at stake for them.

Emotional reactions in such situations affect our deepest desires: the need to be loved and to feel respect from a partner; fear of being abandoned or perceived as an empty space. And therefore it is quite natural that we take part in family battles, because they sometimes decide how our future life will turn out.

But you cannot come to a positive decision if the husband or wife does not control their emotions, which means that the main thing that can be advised for the spouses is to learn to moderate their own agitated feelings.

In other words, each spouse must be able to quickly deal with emotions. And since in moments of emotional outbursts a person loses the ability to listen, think and clearly express their thoughts in words, the ability to calm down is an extremely constructive move, without which progress in resolving a controversial issue is impossible.

Solution: don't stir up anger

Spouses should make an agreement in advance that any of them may require a short break at the first sign of "emotional flooding."

This allows you to break off in the midst of an argument and disperse for twenty minutes to cool off before continuing the discussion. While a fifteen minute break may seem long enough, actual physiological recovery is gradual and takes longer. Residual anger generates more anger; a longer wait gives the body more time to recover from a previous activation.

During the respite, you can promote calmness by resorting to relaxation techniques or by performing an aerobic exercise. It is even more important to neutralize poisonous thoughts, because they generate new fits of rage.

If you wind yourself up and get more and more inflamed, then the break will not do any good. Instead, one should calmly track down negative thoughts, realizing that there is no need to believe them. It is worth making a conscious effort to comprehend facts or other points of view that will challenge yours.

For example, a wife, deciding at the most stressful moment that her husband does not care about her needs, could refute this idea herself, reminding herself of the various actions of her husband, which, in fact, serve as proof of his attention and care. As a result, her thoughts would take a different turn.

The Key Secret to Strong Marriages: Emotional Bonding

Psychologists decided to observe married couples "in their natural habitat." Since it would be embarrassing to move in with the participants during the experiment, the organizers came up with this option: they built a studio apartment in their laboratory.

The couples took turns participating in the experiment and spent twenty-four hours in the apartment. Participants were asked to bring food and supplies with them for what they usually do at home on weekends - movies, books, even work. The only condition is to spend the day as they would at home. For twelve out of twenty-four hours, usually from 9 to 21, they were filmed.

One of the most surprising observations was “requests for an emotional connection” and the reaction to them - that is, attempts to establish contact with a partner. Scientists ranked these claims based on how much emotional involvement they required. The hierarchy is as follows (from the lowest involvement to the highest):

• A simple application for the attention of a partner. "Look what a beautiful yacht."
  
• Application for partner interest. "Your dad had the same yacht, right?"
  
• Enthusiasm application. "Look, on such a yacht we could go on a trip around the world."
  
• Request to continue the conversation. “Have you talked to your brother for a long time? Did he fix his yacht? "
  
• Application for the game. Roll the newspaper into a tube and lightly hit your partner on the head: "Here, all day it was my hands to do it."
  
• Application for humor. "A rabbi, a priest and a psychiatrist are sailing on a yacht ..."
• Application for tenderness. Request "Hug me", etc .; is more often expressed non-verbally.
  
• Emotional support request: "I still don't understand why I wasn't promoted."
  
• Application for openness. "Tell me, did you like going to sea with your grandfather on a yacht as a child?"

The researchers noticed that after each of these techniques, the partner to whom the application is addressed demonstrates one of three possible reactions: either "turns" to the partner and expresses enthusiasm (from a short interjection to full participation in the conversation), or "turns away", usually just ignoring what he has heard, or “turns against” the partner (“Listen, well, I’m reading, don’t interfere!”).

Couples' reactions to emotional claims told a lot about their future. These small patterns of behavior, which at first glance did not mean anything in isolation, nevertheless made it possible to accurately predict how a couple would develop a relationship in the long term.

A follow-up six years later showed that couples where one or both partners responded emotionally to 3 out of 10 applications had already divorced, while those who responded emotionally to 9 out of 10 applications were still together.

In marriage, these micro-expressions of attention or indifference build up into a culture that either strengthens or undermines relationships. Small patterns of behavior feed themselves, gradually becoming more complex, since each interaction relies on the previous ones, even if each of them individually is a trifle. Moments of pettiness and anger, or generosity and affection, form a self-sustaining feedback loop, and over time, the relationship as a whole becomes either more destructive or happier.

Based on materials from books

Or looks. This is a normal component of relations, of course, subject to its constructive resolution. Conflicts happen in every family. There is even a typology of families in terms of the level of conflict. But first things first.

Depending on the frequency, depth and severity of conflicts in psychology, it is customary to distinguish families:

1. Crisis. The contradiction between the needs and interests of spouses occurs constantly, in every area. Partners are hostile to each other, unable to constructively resolve the conflict.
2. Conflicting. The interests of partners often come into conflict, but the spouses are able, and most importantly, want to find a constructive solution.
3. Distressed. The relationship between spouses is tense, often aggravated, and at any moment they are ready to take the form of a conflict. This is due to long-term dissatisfaction with the needs of family members.
4. Neurotic. Families with high anxiety, tension, chronic and severe dissatisfaction, instability.

Types of family conflicts

• Conflicts can be open (quarrel, scandal, fight) and hidden (internal discontent, passive).
• In addition, conflicts can be easily resolved (the reason and solutions are easy to find) and intractable (the problem is found with difficulty, after the solution remains tension in the relationship).
• You can also highlight constructive and destructive conflicts. Destructive ones create long-term tension in the family, the conviction of the spouses in a real threat. Constructive conflicts force the spouses to treat each other more carefully, to strive to understand the partner.

Most often, conflicts arise at the so-called stage, that is, at the beginning of a relationship, when spouses are only adapting to each other's characteristics. At this stage, it is especially important to work through conflicts, find their causes and solve problems.

Causes of conflicts

Any difference in views, needs, habits, experiences is potentially the cause of the conflict. We all know that the cause of the conflict is always personally significant, and it is simply impossible to name all possible reasons. What is a reason for one couple is a reason to laugh for another.

The burden of family responsibilities, the unsettled life, a new complex way of life - all this can provoke conflicts. It is noted that men suffer more because of difficulties in everyday life, physical and material issues. While women are quickly "undermined" by the loss of romanticism, the lack of respect and expressions of love from the partner.

The most popular and generalized reason for failure is inadequate attitudes toward ease of marriage. The basis of such an installation is.

One way or another, conflicts arise from the unmet needs of one or both spouses. In this context, the theory of V. A. Sysenko is of interest. The author identified the following causes of conflicts based on unmet needs:

1. Unsatisfied need for the value and significance of "I". It arises as a result of disrespectful attitude on the part of a partner, insults, insults, inadequate criticism. It manifests itself in conflicts and quarrels.
2. Sexual dissatisfaction. The reason for this may be the mismatch of the cycles of arousal, the low sexuality of one of the partners, overwork, illiteracy in matters of hygiene, illness and neurosis. It is manifested by conflicts, quarrels, mental stress.
3. Dissatisfaction with the need for emotional closeness: affection, care, attention, understanding. The reason is psychological alienation. It is expressed by conflicts, quarrels, depression, mental stress.
4. Addictions of one of the spouses, ruining the family (alcoholism, gambling addiction). It is expressed in conflicts, quarrels, quarrels.
5. Exaggerated needs of one of the spouses, which causes disagreements in matters of the family budget, the contribution of each of the spouses.
6. Unmet basic needs (clothing, food) due to the personal needs of the other spouse. It is reflected in conflicts, quarrels, quarrels.
7. The contradiction in the need for cooperation, help, delineation of responsibilities at home or in raising children. It manifests itself in conflicts.
8. Different needs for recreation. Because of this, conflicts, quarrels, quarrels arise.

It is the needs that are primarily studied by the psychologist to help the family. Needs determine motives and interests, resistance to external stimuli. Depression and often have its roots in marital discord.

The more the needs are satisfied, the more stable the marriage. Communication between spouses should be emotionally positive. Neither spouse should feel alienated and mentally lonely.

The relationship must achieve at least a minimum level of satisfaction. Otherwise, discomfort, negative emotions and feelings arise. With unsatisfied or partially satisfied needs, first physical and mental personality stress arises, and then the emotional and psychological stability of the marriage begins to suffer. Unfortunately, sometimes the very personality of one spouse is an obstacle to meeting the needs of the other.

Conflict resolution

The structure of the family conflict and in it are the same as in any other conflict. I want to consider in more detail the strategies and their consequences for family conflict.

1. Domination. Doomed in advance to failure. Ignoring the interests and needs of the partner will further aggravate the situation.
2. Leaving and avoiding. It will not solve the conflict, but will transfer it to the status of chronic. The family will be "marking time", like its members.
3. Compliance. Will lead to a frustrated state of one of the partners, an imbalance in relationships (rights, power, responsibilities). The family will become unstable and unstable.
4. Compromise. More or less acceptable, but not ideal. Mutual concessions take place, but in the depths of the soul, every spouse will have a residue.
5. Cooperation. The optimal solution to the conflict. Promotes the personal growth of spouses, increasing communication skills, developing and strengthening the family.

Family quarrel strategy

A conflict is always accompanied by a quarrel. But you can use it to your advantage. In psychology, there is the concept of a strategy for conducting a family quarrel. This is a dispute between two loving people, in which truth is born without accusations and harsh words.

• The first condition is that nobody wants to win. Both want to resolve the contradiction. The defeat of one of the spouses is the defeat of the whole family.
• The second condition is to always respect your spouse, no matter how guilty he is. Even in the most terrible rage, you need to remember how dear this person was to you until recently.
• The third condition is not to return to it after the quarrel, not to even mention its reasons.

When solving a problem, it is important to avoid maximalism and categorical judgments, not to involve third parties (friends, children, relatives) in the conflict. Honestly admit to yourself what worries you. Just as honestly tell your partner about it.

Positive family psychotherapy

If you cannot solve the problem on your own, then it is reasonable to visit a psychologist. Family positive psychotherapy is used to resolve family conflicts. The conflict is being worked out through 4 directions:

• bodily (sensation and perception);
• activity (mind and activity);
• social and communicative (contact, traditions);
• communication (imagination and intuition).

It is important that the work along the lines is carried out in unity and consistency. The body will show how the situation is reflected, the social direction will acquaint with the experience of older generations, the imagination will make a forecast and present a solution, the activity will bring it to life.

If one of the directions prevails, then the number of opportunities for solving the problem is significantly reduced. Moreover, there are various kinds of dysfunctions:

• With the predominance of the bodily - insomnia, drowsiness, eating disorders, and sexual abnormalities.
• With the predominance of activity, avoiding the problem: enthusiasm for other activities (work, entertainment) or passivity and apathy, idleness. If the conflict is processed in this way, then the spouse's inadequate self-esteem, fear of failure, and focus on results are noted.
• With the predominance of the social direction - avoiding the problem in superficial communication, company, or vice versa, avoiding any contacts and communication.
• apart from other elements, a person takes away into an unreal world of fantasies and illusions, dreams. This aggravates the conflict.

Why else is it so important to consider family history? The author of this concept, N. Pezeshkian, highlights the actual and basic conflict. Relevant is what is happening in the family now. Basic - a conflict in the family of the parents of one of the spouses, brought by him into his family.

To resolve the current conflict, it is necessary to solve the basic one, that is, to understand how the relationship was built in the parental family. Everything that influenced the formation of the personality of the current spouses in childhood is important. It is necessary to find the reasons and object of the basic conflict and positively rethink it.

There is no need to look for culprits and initiators. We need to solve the problem. In the decision, all are equal participants, regardless of their role and age. The problem with this method is solved in 6 stages:

1. Determination of the cause and object of the conflict (contradictions of specific motives and needs).
2. Fixation of all alternative solutions, regardless of how they suit or not suit all participants. The main rule is not to criticize or evaluate even the most unrealistic proposals.
3. Discussion and evaluation of all options. The option is not accepted if at least one family member is not satisfied. It is recommended to avoid “You-statements” and use “I-statements” during the discussion stage. Discussion continues until a common alternative is found.
4. Choice of the most acceptable solution.
5. Bringing the solution to life. Drawing up an implementation plan with a detailed distribution of the rights and responsibilities of all participants.
6. Development of a system for evaluating and monitoring the decision results.

The family council method creates a new experience of family relationships, improves them, activates the personal resources of each participant. In addition, counseling requires less time and effort than psychotherapy. The main principle of the method is “here and now”. The problem is solved immediately and in fact, the solution is immediately found. Spouses learn to understand each other better.

How else not to let the "everyday" destroy the relationship? Learn from the video.

Understanding the causes of family quarrels and conflicts, and having considered their typology, we will consider ways to resolve conflicts. First of all, in order to successfully resolve the disagreements that arise, you need to have a desire to resolve them. This is where you need to start. Sometimes marital conflicts are not resolved simply because of unwillingness to do something. In order to want to resolve family differences, it is necessary to take responsibility for both the well-being and problems in the family. Understanding the fact that both sides are to blame for any conflict, the desire to first of all see and take on one's own guilt, and not blame the other, is an important factor contributing to the fact that intra-family conflicts are constructive and not destructive.

The spirit of the spouses to solve problems, search for peace and harmony will help achieve what they want. The initial attitude plays a big role. Since, if desired, almost any intra-family situation can become conflict, an important factor in resolving most conflicts is the behavior of the spouses during the conflict. So, if partners easily react to any emerging contradiction, fixate on it, try to explain or prove their case to another, then the conflict is obvious. But if unpleasant situations are discussed calmly and benevolently, the spouses do not try to find out which of them is right and who is wrong, each of them seeks to agree to reconciliation, and does not wait for the other to do it - the frequency and severity of conflicts decreases.

Unfortunately, many married couples perceive the discussion of any family problems not as a search for a solution that is best for both, but as a duel, a battle in which it is important to prove your case at any cost. When family communication turns into rivalry, it becomes not a road to rapprochement, not a source of joy, but a way to “score points” in ridiculous competition with each other, which often ends in divorce. So, half of the success in overcoming stress depends on a positive attitude.

When choosing a strategy for resolving a conflict, the choice of means for its settlement is important. In the event of a conflict, the spouses usually look for means by which they could eliminate it. However, often the chosen means lead to the fact that conflicts either intensify (up to the breakdown of families), or persist for a long time, making the marriage unstable. But if the conflicts have disappeared, then the spouses have the right to believe that they have found the right means of family interaction.

The means used by the spouses in the interaction can be considered as moral or immoral. Immoral means are those that humiliate human dignity, divide and divide people, weaken their family ties and lead to conflicts and divorce. Therefore, when spouses resort to mutual reproaches and accusations, they drive themselves into a corner. The use of specific advantages to exert pressure (economic, sexual, etc.) also leads to an increase in the gap between spouses. Sometimes, wanting to induce the other side to solve the problem, the first side threatens to leave for parents or divorce. This also does not contribute to a better solution to the situation, so you can even push your family to break up. Therefore, when choosing means of communication in order to correct the behavior of a spouse, it is necessary to observe the measure. It is easy to feel this measure in the choice of means by the fact that the conflict is intensifying, relations between spouses are deteriorating, or the conflict has begun to smooth out.

Consciously and unconsciously, people try to solve their problems in different ways. For some, it turns out quite successfully, while for others it is quite the opposite. The behavior of the parties to the conflict is very diverse. J.G. Scott identifies the following strategies, which differ in the degree of effectiveness of conflict resolution:

• 1. Dominance is characteristic of those who show authoritarianism in the family, suppressing the desires, interests and feelings of another. Focusing only on your own interests. Such a strategy is acceptable only in the most critical situations, when urgent steps need to be taken to save lives or something similar (for example, during a fire, when you need to evacuate a family from the premises).
• 2. Leaving or avoiding is characterized by abandonment of one's interests and unwillingness to meet halfway with one's partner. Moving away from solving problems, people only aggravate the situation, as unresolved problems return and accumulate. Problems that we ignore will still return to us, but in the most unfavorable circumstances. This method can be considered successful in moments of emotional stress and then for a while, and then it is necessary to return to resolving the conflict.
• 3. Compliance, like giving up your interests and willingness to meet your partner halfway. Sometimes this solution will be acceptable: for the sake of achieving peace, abandon your claims. But when any conflict is resolved in this way, it leads to chronic frustration of one of the partners, an asymmetry of relations, an imbalance in the distribution of rights, responsibility, power, and a decrease in the stability and stability of the functioning of the family.
• 4. Compromise between the parties to the conflict is a fairly good way to achieve a solution to the problem. It is characterized by the desire of both to find mutual understanding through mutual concessions.
• 5. Cooperation is like a compromise, but is characterized by the search for a solution that meets the interests of both partners. Cooperation contributes to the personal growth of participants in conflicts, increases the overall level of their communicative competence, opening up a fundamentally new way of interaction in a conflict situation. As a result of resolving the conflict in this way, relations between spouses become even closer and warmer.

There is a so-called “family council” model proposed by T. Gordon as an effective model for resolving conflicts. The central idea of \u200b\u200bthe “family council” model is the thesis that in a conflict situation, whatever it may be, whatever the reasons may be initiated, there should be no “winners” and “losers”. Finding out the causes of the conflict, identifying its culprit and initiator will not help solve the problem, but will only aggravate it. A constructive approach consists in finding a solution to the problem based on the principle of equality of all parties to the conflict, regardless of age and role position in the family. This model represents six main steps in solving a problem:

• 1. Identification and definition of the conflict as a consequence of the contradictory motives and interests of family members (verbalization and awareness of the essence of the conflict in the process of discussing the problem with the whole family).
• 2. Generation and registration of all possible alternatives for resolving the problem, regardless of how they suit the parties to the conflict. At this stage, the rule of non-judgmental acceptance and the prohibition of criticism of any, even the most incredible, decisions are in effect.
• 3. Discussion and assessment of each of the alternatives proposed at the previous stage. Rule: the alternative is not accepted if at least one of the participants does not agree. To optimize the decision-making process, in particular, the technique of "I" - statements is used, which allows some participants in the conflict to more clearly state their position, avoiding reproaches, accusations and condemnation from others. If in the process of group discussion of the entire arsenal of the proposals put forward, none of them is accepted, then the discussion continues until a solution is found that suits everyone.
• 4. Choosing the best solution to the problem that is acceptable to all family members.
• 5. Development of ways to implement the solution, drawing up a specific plan for its implementation, including the responsibilities and obligations of each of the participants, their actions, conditions for implementation with precision to details.
• 6. Determination of criteria for evaluating the result of a family contract, forms and methods of control and evaluation.

The need for full-fledged communication, as a way to solve the problem, is noted by many specialists in the field of family relations. This is the only way to solve family problems. There is only one way to solve family problems, conflict situations, get rid of resentment - this is the communication of spouses, the ability to talk to each other and hear each other. A protracted, unresolved conflict, quarrel, as a rule, hides an inability to communicate.

American psychologist J. Gottman, who specially studied the process of family communication, revealed interesting patterns of communication between spouses in conflict families. First of all, these families are characterized by excessive communication constraint. Their members are, as it were, afraid to say their word, to express their experiences and feelings. Conflicted families turned out to be more “silent” than conflict-free ones, in them the spouses exchange new information less often, avoid unnecessary conversations, obviously fearing that a quarrel might inadvertently break out. In conflict families, the spouses practically do not say "we", they prefer to say only "I". And this testifies to the isolation of the spouses, to the emotional disunity. Conflicted families are families in which communication takes place in the form of a monologue. All this resembles a conversation of the deaf: everyone says his own, the most important, painful, but no one hears him, because the same monologue sounds in response. Learning full communication skills should be the main task in overcoming conflicts.

It is worth paying attention to the conditions for successful interpersonal communication between spouses:

• 1. Openness, i.e. the absence of anything that the spouses, for some fundamental reason, hide from each other.
• 2. Confirmation of each other's self-assessments during communication, i.e. interpersonal communication in the family should contribute to the formation of a more positive self-image in each of the partners.
• 3. Active exchange of views, i.e. constant intense discussion with each other about what each one thinks and feels.
• 4. Situational adequacy. This means that spousal communication should take many different forms, but at the same time, how exactly the spouses will communicate at the moment should be determined by the specific situation.

Psychologists offer the following rules for family communication:

• 1. Give in to each other.
• 2. Do not impose your views and judgments.
• 3. Respect each other.
• 4. Do not humiliate, do not insult each other, strive to see each other as good first of all.
• 5. Control your behavior, reckon with the mood of each other.
• 6. Self-critical of your actions and deeds.

Analyzing the causes and types of conflicts, one can see one general trend. Lack of communication, focus only on one's own needs, lack of tenderness and general illiteracy in family matters create general conflict tension. In such an atmosphere, the family is in dire need of serious help. To resolve conflict situations, spouses need to learn to put the interests of their partner first. Respect, confidence in love on the part of both, the manifestation of calmness and tact will help in finding an acceptable solution. Spouses must constantly learn to communicate well.

In a prosperous family, there is always a sense of today's and tomorrow's joy. In order to preserve it, spouses need to leave a bad mood and troubles outside the doorstep of the house, and when they come home, they need to bring with them an atmosphere of optimism and elation. If one of the spouses is in a bad mood, the other should help him get rid of the depressed mental state. In every alarming and sad situation, you need to try to catch the humorous notes by looking at yourself from the side. Humor and jokes should be cultivated in the home. If troubles are piling up, you do not need to be afraid, on the contrary, you need to try to consistently understand their causes.

Adherence to the basic principles of married life allows you to avoid many mistakes:

• 1. Realistically look at the contradictions that arise before and after marriage.
• 2. Do not build illusions in order not to be disappointed. Life is unlikely to meet the norms and criteria that were planned in advance.
• 3. Do not avoid difficulties. Overcoming difficult situations together is a great opportunity to find out how much both partners are ready to live according to the principle of a bilateral compromise.
• 4. Learn the psychology of a partner. You need to be able to understand each other, adapt and be able to please each other in order to live in peace and harmony.
• 5. Know the value of the little things. Small, but frequent tokens of attention are more valuable and significant than expensive rare gifts, which sometimes hide indifference, infidelity, etc.
• 6. Be tolerant, be able to forget grievances. A person is ashamed of some of his mistakes and does not like to remember them. You should not remember that you once broke the relationship and that should have been forgotten long ago.
• 7. Be able to understand and anticipate the wishes and needs of the partner.
• 8. Not to impose your requirements, to protect the dignity of your partner.
• 9. Understand the benefits of temporary separation. Partners can get bored with each other, and separation allows you to understand how much you love your soul mate, how much you miss her at the present time.
• 10. Take care of yourself. Carelessness and carelessness give rise to hostility and can lead to serious consequences.
• 11. Have a sense of proportion. First of all, emphasize the merits of the partner, and then gently and in a benevolent manner point out the shortcomings.
• 12. Be able to calmly and kindly take criticism.
• 13. Be aware of the causes and consequences of infidelity.
• 14. Do not despair. Faced with a stressful marriage situation, it would be wrong to proudly part ways and not seek a way out.

Do you often find yourself in conflict situations?

Why do conflicts occur between people and how to resolve the conflict? Let's figure it out.

In the modern world, it is difficult to do without conflicts. A conflict can happen with anyone, anywhere and anytime: at home, at work, in a store, on public transport and even on the Internet (although, it would seem, what to share with strangers?).

The slightest minor conflict can ruin your mood for the whole day. And a bad mood is very difficult to hide from others, and therefore you can easily ruin the mood of others. This can lead to a series of new conflicts. But forewarned is forearmed. Having studied in more detail the specifics and causes of conflicts, you can try to avoid them.

Conflict is an intractable contradiction. This is a situation in which each side strives to take a position that is incompatible and opposite to the interests of the other side.

Family conflicts can be divided into 3 types:

Causes of family conflicts

Let's turn to statistics. A survey was conducted among 266 American family counselors. As a result, among others, problems were identified, due to which conflicts and disagreements often arise in married couples. It …

The main thing, when conflicts arise, is to understand how to behave in such situations, and not to let conflicts spoil your relationship. Here are some patterns of behavior:

It is important to recognize that there is conflict in the family - this is the first step towards solving the problem. Then, you need to discuss with family members possible ways to resolve the conflict and choose the best one. If you cannot resolve the conflict on your own, then the best solution is to contact a family psychologist. The qualified help of a psychologist will definitely not hurt you.

Organization conflicts

With conflicts in the work collective, things are somewhat different.

Conflicts are possible for several reasons:

There are several steps to resolve such conflicts:

Any conflicts in the team fall on the shoulders of the employer. After all, productivity decreases when relations are tense in a team. Conflict disorganizes workers. People begin to think more about the conflict that has occurred, rather than about work. Therefore, the employer himself must first of all try to resolve the conflict between employees.

But if a conflict occurs with the employer himself, then the problem is much more serious. Such conflicts by mutual consent are resolved much less often: only 62% of conflicts between employers and subordinates are resolved. In such cases, it is important to think about other people's interests, but also not to forget about your own. In general, it is not for nothing that they say that it is better not to argue with the authorities. Of course, when it comes to hurt pride, when reputation and professional status are at stake, it is difficult to control yourself and not respond to provocations. But once you avoid conflict, you will understand that negotiating and compromising is much more pleasant and effective. You just need to give yourself a clear message: "Work is not a place for conflicts and clarification of relationships!"

Conflict Resolution Methods

Summing up, it can be noted that any conflicts badly affect our mood and our health. Remember, nerve cells regenerate very, very slowly. And when a person is angry, he produces the hormone of aggression - norepinephrine, and when he smiles - the hormones of happiness serotonin and endorphin.

It is also important to remember that in no case should you go beyond the framework of this conflict and weave past disagreements and resentments to it. Otherwise it will accumulate like a snowball, and each time it will be more and more difficult to get out of the conflict. Remember to weigh the pros and cons. After all, sometimes the game is simply not worth the candle, and it is better to give in than to waste time arguing. We need to pull ourselves together. Better to just move the conversation to a different topic, or move the conversation to another time. Perhaps the cause of the conflict will already become irrelevant, and it will be exhausted. Most of the small conflicts after a while seem to us meaningless and ridiculous. Try to distract yourself, let go of the situation, and think of something good and enjoyable. Always remember the famous Confucius quote “The best war is the one that was avoided”.

If you are studying conflicts, books and specialized literature that you can read are presented below. Here is a short list of books that you can read to improve your conflict avoidance and resolution skills.

• Coran, Goodman - "The art of bargaining or everything about negotiations"
• Lixon - “Conflict. Seven Steps to Peace "
• Egides - "Labyrinths of communication or how to get along with people"
• Schwartz, Gerhard - "Conflict management: diagnostics, analysis and resolution of conflicts"

Take care of your family and friends, maintain good relationships with colleagues, try to think positively and smile more often!

Family conflicts: prevention and treatment. Conversation 2

Constructive conflict is better than a "good fight"

So, my beloved brethren,

every man be quick to hear,

slow in words, slow in anger.

A non-constructive way of behaving in a conflict situation leads either to a quarrel, or to an unresolved situation, that is, to that very “bad world”. Contradictions have not been resolved, but the parties are temporarily reconciled and are, as it were, in a state of "cold war". Non-constructive conflict is often accompanied by “forbidden forceful methods”: mutual insults, pressure, blackmail, etc. With this method of dialogue, opponents sometimes completely forget what the original subject of the dispute actually consisted.

The absence of visible contradictions and collisions in any group of people sometimes does not at all indicate that love and harmony reign here. It is known, for example, that in American communes, hippie settlements there were very few conflicts that are inevitable in a community of people closely living in a limited area. The almost complete absence of quarrels and conflicts in the hippie colonies can be explained by the very light attitude of hippies to life and to each other. They preached love and freedom, but in fact, the fate of their fellows was deeply indifferent to them. The hippie philosophy is as follows: while you are with us, we feel good, we have fun, we share food, drugs with you, but you are free to leave, leave us, and no one really remembers you. If a person from the colony suddenly disappeared, no one was looking for him, and everyone was not very worried about what happened to him: whether he went to prison, was killed or died from a drug overdose. In the 1960s, a girl from a hippie settlement went crazy after taking LSD badly. She was taken to a psychiatric hospital, and none of her brothers tried to rescue her from there, or at least visit the hospital.

Practically uncontrolled, conflict-free society was based on an indifferent attitude towards each other and indifference to one's neighbor.

Often, in couples where a man and a woman have joined for cohabitation outside of marriage, outwardly very peaceful coexistence is also observed, but as soon as such a couple enter into a legal marriage, conflicts begin. Why? People united by irresponsibility and mutual pleasure do not build real relationships, they are not united by real feelings. While we are good together - we live together, tired - we fled. People, by and large, are indifferent to each other. The nearest one is not very dear for them, they do not really root for it and therefore easily come to terms with its shortcomings. They seem to say: we have come together not to do a common cause together, to work on ourselves, but to have a rest together, so we will not interfere with each other in this. In this situation, when people are united by the sin of fornication, and demons do not particularly tempt them: why destroy the union created in the name of sin and lawlessness?

Therefore, when clashes and disagreements arise between spouses, this does not mean at all that they do not love each other. They, perhaps, on the contrary, want to improve their relations, root for a loved one, but, unfortunately, often do not know how to act correctly in a situation of disagreement.

Of course, we should all try to keep conflicts to a minimum. Engage in prevention and prevention. But if a conflict situation does arise, it is necessary to be able to resolve it constructively and productively for both parties.

The most general, but also the most important rules of behavior in a conflict situation are set out in the epigraph above. In a conflict, an argument, the worst counselor is anger. Anger, irritation darken the mind and paralyze the will of a person, so that a person is simply not able to make the right decisions in this state. “A hot-tempered person can do a foolishness” (Proverbs 26: 27), says the wise Solomon. There are many proverbs on this topic: "From one word to a century of quarrel"; "Hold your tongue in conversation, and your heart in anger"; "An empty dispute before the quarrel is quick," etc. And that is why the Apostle James gives the following instruction: "Let every man be" "slow to anger" and "slow to speak" so as not to say something superfluous, which can only confuse the conflict and offend the neighbor. A careless, thoughtless word can be very harmful in a serious conversation. Therefore, you need to learn to listen, listen to your opponent (be "quick to hear") in order to understand what he wants to tell us and what he wants from us, and only then answer him, thinking over your words and not only over the meaning, but also over the form of our answer. After all, it is known what is not so important what say, but it's important as to tell. One and the same thought can be said so that a person will be offended seriously and for a long time, or it can be so that he will listen to our words.

So, let's go directly to the methods of resolving conflicts.

Conflict Resolution: Strategy and Tactics

The upbringing of a man or woman is tested by

how they behave during an argument.

In the 70s of the last century, experts in conflict management identified five styles of behavior in a conflict situation: evasion, adaptation, confrontation, compromise, cooperation.

Let's take a look at each of these styles separately.

Evasion ... The very name of this style suggests that the participant in the collision seeks to get away from the conflict, to evade it. At the same time, the evader has no desire to make active efforts to defend his position or cooperate with the opposite side, working to find a solution that satisfies all parties to the conflict.

Evasion is usually chosen in several cases:

- when the subject of the conflict does not seem important and significant for the evading party. The person believes that there is no need to conflict over such trifles;

- when there is an option to achieve your goals in a non-conflict way;

- when a conflict occurs between people of equal strength and position who want to avoid complications in their relationship;

- when the evader from the conflict knows he is wrong or sees that his counterpart has b about greater strength, higher position, rank, or is in an emotionally unbalanced state. Evasion is sometimes necessary in order to postpone an acute collision and to get time to make the right, balanced decision.

Evasion is not always acceptable as a way of behaving in a conflict situation. Sometimes the problem that caused the conflict requires a really serious discussion and search for a joint solution. But very often, dodging helps to avoid an impending quarrel, especially if its subject is insignificant, and one of the opponents is in a state of anger and irritation. Such a case is described in the "Fatherland" of St. Ignatius (Brianchaninov): “There were two monks, brothers in the flesh and brothers in spirit. The evil devil acted against them with the aim of separating them. One evening, according to their custom, the younger brother lit a lamp and put it on a candlestick. Through the evil act of the demon, the candlestick fell and the lamp went out. The crafty devil arranged a pretext for a quarrel between them. The elder brother jumped up and began to beat the younger in a rage. This one fell at his feet and persuaded his brother: "Calm down, my lord, I will light up the lamp again." For the reason that he did not answer with angry words, the wicked spirit, being put to shame, immediately departed from him. "

The device. Another style of behavior in a conflict. Has a lot in common with evasion, but differs from it in that the parties do not avoid joint actions to resolve the conflict. With this style of behavior, the interests of the conflicting parties are more taken into account. When adapting, the participants seek to soften, smooth out the conflict through mutual trust, compliance, reconciliation. They show pliability and are ready to yield to each other, taking into account the interests of the other side.

Adaptation as a way of behaving in a conflict situation is acceptable in several cases.

First of all, when the conflict has reached a boiling point, the heat of passions and the preservation of peace requires mutual concessions and steps towards each other.

An example is the following case: “Two brothers, wanting to live together, settled in one cell. One of them reasoned to himself like this: "I will only do what my brother wants." Likewise, the other said: "I will do the will of my brother." They lived in love for many years. The enemy, seeing this, wanted to separate them. He came, stood at the door and introduced himself to one as a dove, and to the other as a crow. One of the brothers said, "Do you see this dove?" “It's a crow,” another replied, and they began to argue among themselves. One says one thing, the other another. Finally they fought, to the full joy of the enemy, and parted. Three days later, they came to their senses, asked each other for forgiveness, told one to the other, how each of them imagined the bird he had seen, and recognized in this the temptation of the enemy. After that, they lived inseparably until their death. "

The adaptation can be used where the party to the conflict considers the problem that has arisen to be not very important, essential for himself and therefore is ready to take into account the interests of the other party, to yield to it.

In conflictology, adaptation is considered the most acceptable way to resolve conflicts. Under him, the conflicting people do not shy away from a solution, but strive for reconciliation, work together on the problem, appreciating good relationships and friendly disposition. They make concessions, but at the same time they remember their interests.

Confrontation as a method of behavior in a conflict, it is characteristic that the person applying this style seeks to impose his point of view on other parties, acting toughly and independently, without taking into account the interests of other parties to the conflict. At the same time, forceful pressure, official position, blackmail, intimidation, coercion, etc. are used in order to gain the upper hand over the opponent, to win the conflict.

Confrontation is used when the conflicting party is absolutely sure that its position on solving the problem is the only correct one. According to her higher position, she acts from a position of strength and wants to force the other side to make the decision she needs.

In confrontation, force and power may not always be used. But this is always a very firm and uncompromising defense of their position, their interests.

Confrontation is, of course, the most undesirable style of behavior in conflict situations. An example of a marital conflict where the husband wants to solve a problem using his power as the head of the family can be used as an illustration.

A young family lives: husband and wife, they have children. You can even give the spouses some names, for example, Vladimir and Irina. I knew several married couples where the spouses were named Volodya and Ira. But let them not take offense at me: our heroes are fictional, so to speak, universal, and therefore all coincidences are pure coincidence. My conversations are devoted to how to acquire peace in the family, and therefore the names Vladimir and Irina are the most suitable, for Irina is translated from Greek as "peace", and Vladimir is a Slavic name, and it means "who owns the world."

The couple are discussing whose parents to visit after the festive service to celebrate Christmas. Vladimir offers to go to his parents: they live on the other side of the city, and therefore young people rarely visit them; in addition, his mom cooks very tasty. Ira, on the contrary, wants to visit her parents: they supposedly live close, and small children will get tired after the service anyway; besides, Irina, frankly, did not have a very good relationship with her husband's mother, and of course she would rather spend time with her parents. Word for word ... The situation is heating up. Nobody wants to give in. Finally, Vladimir uses "heavy artillery". “Ira! - he says in a menacing voice. - Who is the head of the family? Who has the final say? As I said, it will be so. Forgot what was read at the wedding: "And let the wife fear her husband"? " Irina has to grudgingly resign herself, but the festive dinner is already ruined for her. But this, in principle, simple situation could have been resolved in a different, peaceful way, but more on that later.

It has already been said that brute force is not always used in confrontation; sometimes confrontation can be expressed in firm and stubborn defense of their position. A party declaring such a position applies convincing arguments and steadfastness in its decision, because it knows that the issue under discussion is very important to it. For example, it is not uncommon for one of the spouses (for example, a wife), a believing church person, to take their children to church, to bring them up in Orthodoxy. And the husband is not only indifferent to issues of faith, but also very hostile to the piety of his wife: he forbids her to go to church, pray and receive communion with children. Here obedience to a husband cannot be higher than obedience to God, and a wife must firmly stand in her position (without losing, of course, respect for her husband) and not compromise her Christian principles. Love for God is higher than kindred love: “Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me” (Matthew 10:37).

Or such an example. The wife wants to have an abortion. The husband is totally against it. No compromise is possible here. If the wife does not listen to her husband and nevertheless goes to infanticide against his will, he even has the right to divorce her, according to the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church, adopted at the 2001 Council of Bishops.

But confrontation is almost always not the best way to resolve conflicts, and this style can only be used on very rare occasions.

Compromise ... With this style of behavior, the parties to the conflict are ready to settle their differences through mutual concessions; they are looking for a middle ground solution that will satisfy all parties. Compromise is one of the most preferable ways of resolving conflicts, as it leads to overcoming hostility and allows, to some extent, to satisfy all parties to the conflict.

When the parties to the conflict resort to a compromise to resolve the problem, this speaks of their high culture of behavior and common sense. However, before applying this style, it is necessary to weigh everything very well, not to rush to make compromises and to check well whether a compromise is appropriate in a given situation, or whether evasion, accommodation or cooperation should be used. A compromise may not always be a solution to the problem and is not always able to resolve all contradictions and satisfy all the interests of the parties, but sometimes a compromise can be applied even when the conflicting ones have mutually exclusive interests, but they are aware of the need to find a temporary solution and are resigned to this state of affairs until that time, until a better solution is found. Also, a compromise is very desirable as an intermediate option, if the conflict threatens to develop into a quarrel and is fraught with a breakdown in relations and large losses.

Considering confrontation as a way of behaving in a conflict situation, we did it on the example of one family. Let's turn to these spouses again to understand how the same situation can be resolved, but with the help of a compromise.

So, each of the spouses wants to celebrate Christmas with their parents, there is a clash of interests. The husband, Vladimir, wants his wife's interests to be also satisfied, but he also wants to visit his parents. Here such an option is possible. Vladimir says to his wife: “Irisha, I respect your parents very much, I am always pleased to be with them, but we haven’t visited my relatives for a long time, because they live not close, and yours were recently. Let us still spend a holiday with my parents, but I promise you that we will definitely visit your dad and mom in a couple of days, on Christmastide, because Christmas is celebrated for more than one day. " Seeing her husband's sincere disposition and a desire to settle the differences peacefully, Irina agrees to this compromise. She shows obedience to her husband, and the husband, taking into account the interests of his wife, promises to visit her parents too, although, perhaps, he does not really want to.

Cooperation characterized by the fact that the parties to the conflict want to maximize their interests, but, unlike confrontation, they are jointly looking for a solution that satisfies all parties. They work together, collaborate to achieve a common goal.

This style is acceptable when the problem is important to all parties, and no one intends to shy away from solving it.

In this case, the parties take into account the interests and needs of each other. This style is not simple, because discussing a problem requires great wisdom, patience, friendliness and the ability to make joint decisions. After all, it is necessary to take into account as much as possible all the wishes of the parties to the conflict and come to an agreement.

For example, let us turn to our spouses again. Volodya and Ira's eldest son went to school. They sent him to an Orthodox gymnasium, which is not very close to home: you need to take a tram for several stops. But they have two more children, and raising them also takes a lot of time and effort. And so Irina asks Vladimir to pick up the child after work from school (he stays for an extension). Vladimir works a lot, gets tired and still takes work home (he writes articles for one popular science magazine). And he does not want to stay somewhere else after work, because he will have less time to rest, and he also needs to edit several articles. Two options are possible here. Either Vladimir will use the method of confrontation and categorically refuse to help his wife, which she is unlikely to like, or they will look for a way to solve this problem together. For example, Vladimir says to his wife: “Ira, you know how tired I am after work, and I still need to correct mistakes in the texts. But I understand that you are also completely worn out with children, so let's try to find some solution. " Irina replies to her husband: “If you left me your articles, I could help you: during the day to look through them and correct stylistic mistakes, then you will have free time to pick up the boy from school and stay with us. I really appreciate what you are doing for us and I know that you need to rest after work. " This decision suits both spouses, and the conflict is settled.

Summarizing all of the above, we can conclude that the most constructive, productive styles of behavior in a conflict situation are cooperation and compromise, since they involve active, joint actions of all participants. Evasion and accommodation can also be used in some situations, although they involve passive actions.

In family life, it is especially important to remember that the main thing is to preserve peace and love, and therefore it is necessary to choose a style of behavior in a conflict in such a way that the family peace is not disturbed, even if the spouses have to sacrifice their own interests. One should always separate the main from the secondary. To discuss the main issues calmly, and to be able to yield to each other in the secondary ones.

Family conflicts examples and solutions

Dronova A.M., Stupakova O.A.

Scientific adviser: Andrienko L.K.

Donetsk National University of Economics and Trade

named after Mikhail Tugan-Baranovsky

Family conflicts and ways to solve them

With the growth of conflict situations in the family, family relations are considered to be one of the most popular topics today, since the institution of family and marriage is an integral part of the social life of society. In everyday life, it often happens that a husband and wife who love each other cannot find the main thing - understanding, which leads to a large number of conflicts in the family. Full understanding between spouses is most often found in families of the older generation, mainly those that have passed the war period. The modern generation, which is in constant motion, has to either accept the current situation, or look for ways to resolve family conflicts.

The purpose of the article is to consider the causes and ways of solving family conflicts.

The family is the oldest institution of human interaction, a unique phenomenon. Its uniqueness lies in the fact that several people interact in the closest way for a long time, numbering tens of years, that is, throughout most of human life. In such a system of intensive interaction, disputes, conflicts and crises cannot but arise.

In sociology, a conflict is understood as a conscious collision, confrontation of at least two people, groups, their mutually opposite, incompatible, mutually exclusive needs, interests, goals, types of behavior, attitudes, attitudes that are essential for the individual and groups.

Conflicts cannot be avoided; they appear under any life circumstances and accompany a person from birth to death.

Scientists have found that conflict situations between spouses can arise for the following reasons:

1) early age at marriage;

4) the attitude of parents to the marriage of children;

6) the duration of acquaintance before marriage, etc.

All of the above reasons boil down to one thing - the incompatibility of life positions regarding various aspects of family functioning (in raising children, disagreements in financial matters, etc.).

The emergence of conflicts is associated with the desire of people to satisfy certain needs or create conditions for their satisfaction without taking into account the interests of another spouse or family member.

The choice of means of interaction between conflicting spouses depends on the level of culture, type of temperament, character traits, degree of psychological and pedagogical readiness for family life, age, etc.

Depending on the means chosen by the spouses to resolve the conflict, he can fulfill both destructive and constructive roles. The means that destroy family relationships include insults, humiliation of human dignity, the desire to teach a lesson, offend. As a result, mutual respect disappears, and conjugal interaction becomes an unpleasant duty. In the second case, when the conflict plays a creative role, the spouses tend to choose means that help to clarify the causes of conflicts, look for them, first of all, in their actions and deeds, and express mutual willingness to change the existing relationship.

Based on sociological studies, scientists have identified the following principles for avoiding family conflicts:

1. The need to establish the cause of the conflict. For this, a constructive dialogue should be held between the conflicting parties. Most often, it is the initiator of the conflict - the offended spouse is the first to compromise, thus trying to improve relations in the family. At the same time, the second party must support this initiative and treat it with maximum understanding. A clearly formulated position of the parties allows for a faster resolution of the conflict.

The conflict in the family has a particular impact on the emotional state of the child and his psyche, since the child can design a similar form of relationship in his future family.

3. Concentration on the existing problem. In a conflict, you need to focus on solving a specific problem, and not trying to solve everything at once. It can take a long time to clear up any differences. The discussion should relate not only to the conflict as a whole, but also to thoroughly consider all the nuances and mistakes.

4. Respect for the opinion of the spouse. Be tolerant of the position of the opposite side, even if it seems absurd and wrong to you. It is important to understand each other's position in order to positively resolve the current conflict situation.

4. Finding a compromise. The conflict arises because the spouses have different opinions, interests and have no desire, and sometimes they cannot give in, refuse them. In order to get out of the situation, it is necessary to at least partially accept and fulfill the requests of the spouse, on the other hand, not to insist on the ideal, maximum fulfillment of claims. Stubbornness and selfishness should be avoided, which can lead to great disagreements.

5. A sense of humor helps to smooth out the conflict, but does not eliminate the discussion of the problem. It is also possible to sometimes remain silent or ignore the spouse's attempt to initiate a conflict, feeling that he is upset and anxious. The conflict cannot be aggravated over a trifle, as it can turn into a protracted war.

6. Do not idealize relationships. Do not build illusions, so as not to be disappointed, since the present is unlikely to meet the norms and criteria that were planned in advance.

7. Avoidance of difficulties. Overcoming difficult situations together is a great opportunity to quickly find out how much both partners are ready to live according to the principle of a bilateral compromise.

8. Have a sense of proportion. Ability to calmly and kindly accept criticism. It is important to emphasize, first of all, the dignity of the partner, and then in a benevolent manner indicate the shortcomings.

Output. So, if you think about the conflict that happened well, you can no doubt resolve them in the family, without resorting to humiliation and insults, which will further strengthen the relationship and quickly solve the accumulated problems.

The resolution of family conflicts, first of all, depends on the person, his self-control, endurance, patience in relation to each member of the family. The application of the principles of avoiding family conflicts will allow relationships in the family, and accordingly in society, to become more harmonious, since each individual family is a unit of society.

1. Elizarov A.N. Conflict and dynamics of family development // Bulletin of RATEPP (Russian Association of Telephone Emergency Psychological Aid). - 1995. - No. 2. - S. 32 - 37.

2. Family conflicts involving children. B.G. Kherson and S.V. Dvoryak (Electronic resource) http://adalin.mospsy.ru

3. Alexandrov I.F. Family as a primary unit and as a subject of law // Actual problems of behavior, №3, 2003 - p. 13-19.

Typical family conflicts and ways to solve them (page 1 of 2)

2.1 Typical family conflicts and ways to resolve them ……………… 4

Unfortunately, family conflicts are a hot topic in modern society. I would like, as a young family, to figure out what conflicts exist, what solutions are available and how to prevent these family conflicts. After all, the family is the most valuable thing in the world. This is mutual understanding and mutual respect for each other. And I would not want everything to collapse from misunderstanding.

2. Main part

2.1 Typical family conflicts and ways to resolve them.

In the course of its life, any family is faced with problematic situations, the resolution of which is carried out in conditions of contradictory individual needs, motives and interests. Conflict is defined as a clash of opposing goals, interests, positions, opinions.

Family conflicts are subdivided into conflicts between: spouses, parents and children, spouses and parents of each of the spouses, grandparents and grandchildren. Marital conflicts play the main role in family relations. They are more likely to arise from the lack of satisfaction of the needs of the spouses. The reasons for marital conflicts can be identified: - psychosexual incompatibility of spouses; — dissatisfaction of the need for the significance of one's “I”, disrespect for a sense of dignity on the part of a partner;

— failure to meet the need for positive emotions: lack of affection, care, attention and understanding;

— addiction of one of the spouses to excessive satisfaction of his

needs (alcohol, drugs, financial expenses only for oneself);

— non-satisfaction of the need for mutual assistance and mutual understanding on issues of housekeeping, raising children, in relation to parents, etc.;

— differences in the needs for leisure activities, hobbies.

In addition, the factors that affect the conflict of spousal

relationships. These include periods of crisis in the development of the family.

The first year of married life is characterized by conflicts of adaptation to each other, when two “I” become one “We”. There is an evolution of feelings.

The second crisis period is associated with the appearance of children:

The opportunities for professional growth of spouses are deteriorating.

- they have fewer opportunities for free implementation in personally attractive activities (hobbies, hobbies).

- Wife fatigue associated with caring for a child can lead to a temporary decrease in sexual activity.

- possible clashes of views of spouses and their parents on problems

The third crisis period coincides with the average age of marriage, which is characterized by conflicts of uniformity. As a result

repeated repetition of the same impressions, the spouses become saturated with each other.

The fourth period of conflict between spouses comes after 18-24 years of marriage. Its appearance often coincides with the approach of the period of involution, the emergence of a feeling of loneliness associated with the departure of children.

External factors have a significant impact on the occurrence of marital conflicts: deterioration of the financial situation of many families; excessive employment of one of the spouses (or both) at work; impossibility of normal employment of one of the spouses; long absence of their home; lack of opportunity to arrange children in a child care institution, etc.

In modern society, family conflicts and society itself is the growth of social alienation; lowering moral values, including traditional norms of sexual behavior; change in the traditional position of women in the family (the opposite poles of this change are the complete economic independence of women and housewife syndrome); the crisis state of the economy, finance, social sphere of the state.

Resolving marital conflicts depends primarily on the spouses' ability to understand, forgive and give in. One of the conditions for ending the conflict of loving spouses is not to achieve victory. Victory through the defeat of a loved one can hardly be called an achievement. It is important to respect the other, no matter what fault lies with him. You need to be able to honestly ask yourself (and most importantly, honestly answer yourself) what really worries you. It is better to come to an understanding ourselves and not to involve others in your conflicts - parents, children, friends, neighbors and

acquaintances. The well-being of the family depends only on the spouses themselves.

Separately, it is worth dwelling on such a radical method of resolving

marital conflicts like divorce. According to psychologists, it is preceded by a process consisting of three stages:

a) emotional divorce, expressed in alienation, indifference of spouses to each other, loss of trust and love;

b) a physical divorce leading to separation;

c) legal divorce, requiring legal registration of the termination of marriage.

For many, divorce brings relief from hostility, dislike, deception, and what has darkened their lives. Of course, it also has negative consequences. They are different for divorces, children and society. The most vulnerable in a divorce is a woman who usually has children. She is more than

a man prone to neuropsychiatric disorders. The negative consequences of divorce for children are much more significant compared to

consequences for the spouses. The child loses one beloved parent, and in many cases mothers prevent fathers from seeing children.

The child often experiences peer pressure about the absence of one of his parents, which affects his neuropsychic state. Divorce leads to the fact that society receives an incomplete family, an increase in the number of adolescents with deviant behavior, and an increase in crime. This creates additional difficulties for society.

The family can also have conflicts between parents and children.

One of the most common problems in everyday life.

So why do conflicts arise between parents and children?

1. Type of intrafamily relations. Allocate harmonious and disharmonious types of family relationships. In a harmonious family, a mobile balance is established, which manifests itself in the design of the psychological roles of each family member, the formation of the family "We", the ability of family members to resolve contradictions.

Family disharmony is the negative nature of marital relations,

expressed in the conflicting interaction of spouses. The level of psychological stress in such a family tends to increase, leading to neurotic reactions of its members, the emergence of a feeling of constant anxiety in children.

2. Destructiveness of family education. The following features are distinguished

destructive types of education:

- disagreements between family members on education issues;

- inconsistency, inconsistency, inadequacy;

- guardianship and prohibitions in many areas of children's life;

- increased requirements for children, frequent use of threats, convictions,

3. Age crises of children are considered as factors of their increased conflict. An age crisis is a transitional period from one stage of childhood development to another. During critical periods, children become disobedient, capricious, irritable. They often come into conflict with others, especially with their parents. They develop a negative attitude towards previously fulfilled requirements, reaching the point of stubbornness. The following age-related crises of children are distinguished:

- crisis of the first year (transition from infancy to early childhood);

- crisis of "three years" (transition from early childhood to preschool age);

- crisis b-7 years (transition from preschool to primary school age);

- puberty crisis (transition from primary school to adolescence 12-14 years old);

- teenage crisis 15-17 years old.

4. The personal factor. The environment of the personal characteristics of parents,

contributing to their conflicts with children, highlight the conservative way

thinking, adherence to outdated rules of conduct and harmful

habits (alcohol consumption, etc.). Among the personal characteristics of children, such as low academic performance, violations of the rules of behavior, ignoring the recommendations of parents, as well as disobedience, stubbornness, selfishness and egocentrism, self-confidence, laziness, etc. are called. Thus, the conflicts under consideration can be presented as a result of the mistakes of parents and children.

There are the following types of parent-child relationships:

- the optimal type of relationship between parents and children;

Family conflicts and their solutions

There are three sources of human attraction

Soul, mind and body.

Soul attraction breeds friendship.

The combination of all three - gives rise to love.

This essay is almost entirely devoted to family problems, but I will still try to analyze the main mistakes, as well as write about the ways out of their crisis situations. To begin with, I would like to touch on the topic of love.

The values \u200b\u200bthat a person aspires to are largely determined by the group where he studied communication, where his personality was formed, where he developed his views and according to the norms of which he further evaluates his activities. The first and most important group for a person is the family. In a family, a child first masters various methods of communication, and this contributes to his success in the future. The prevailing style of communication in the family, views and ideals are for the child the guidelines that shape his future aspirations and often remain a model for an adult.

“The formation of a family usually presupposes mutual love. At the same time, many are subject to the illusion that happy love falls from heaven and does not require any mental effort from a person. They do not realize that even “love at first sight” is impossible without the coincidence of the previously formed ideal with the qualities of a new acquaintance, or at least the appearance of the illusion of such a coincidence. Oddly enough, most people believe that the happiness of love lies in being loved, and not in being able to love yourself. From their point of view, love is easy, but finding the object of love is a difficult task. They consider the main thing to be loved along with all the obvious and hidden shortcomings and advantages. (Love us black, and everyone will love us white). This is how one of the delusions manifests itself, which is that love is something that does not require effort - manna from heaven. Here the very important thought of love is obscured - it is a verb, not a noun, and the essence of love is an active responsible action. "

But there is true love, which makes you forget about yourself. That is why it is said “and Jacob served for Rachel seven years, and they seemed to him as several days for he loved her” He loved her and not himself, and his love clung to her and did not bother him. No wonder they say that in mature love the center of gravity of relationships and feelings is concentrated not on oneself, but on the partner. A person begins to think and cares, first of all, about whom he loves about his conveniences and interests, and not about himself. He gives more than he takes. He wants happiness and self-expression for his beloved and tries with all his might to think first of all about the beloved. about his comfort and interests, not about himself. he gives more than he takes. He wants happiness and self-expression for his beloved and tries with all his might to contribute to the development of his individuality. The ability to think first of all about another person is the ability to receive joy, giving it the indispensable companions of mature love.

Love means that the shell of egoism has been broken through and another is admitted into the sphere of the I, placed in another. We can say that by doing so, the “I” produced a self-denial of egocentrism and took the first steps towards understanding others and the world. It is understandable that love eliminates the selfish feeling caused by love for oneself. Values \u200b\u200bare being converted. Overcoming his limitations, a person becomes able to comprehend the infinite. This leads to an increase in conscious interests and an increase in the field of vision. Love rebuilds the personality. There is idealization, elimination of contradictions in the perception of the ideal. This restructuring is revealed and at the psychophysiological level, vision, hearing, taste, smell and touch, are sharpened, giving all the sensations sonorousness and strength.

Definition and functions of the family

According to N. Ya. Solovyov's definition, the family is “a small social group of society, the most important form of organizing personal life, based on the conjugal union and family ties, ie. relations between husband and wife, parents and children, brothers and sisters and other relatives living together and leading the same household ”it is not necessary to say what role the family plays in the life of an individual and society as a whole; its significance is great. Let us dwell on the most important integral characteristics of the family. These are its functions, structure and dynamics.

Family functions. These are the spheres of life of the family directly related to the satisfaction of certain needs of its members. Let us characterize the personal and social significance of the seven most important functions in society.

1 educational function is to meet the individual needs of paternity, motherhood in the upbringing of children and self-realization of children. In relation to society, this function, carried out by the family, ensures the socialization of the younger generation.

2 the economic function is to meet the material needs of the family. In this sense, the family ensures the restoration of the energy expended in physical labor.

3. emotional function. It is realized in meeting the needs of the family in sympathy, respect, recognition of emotional support, psychological protection. This function provides emotional stabilization of members of the society, contributes to the preservation of their mental health.

4. spiritual communication - this function manifests itself in meeting the needs for joint leisure activities, mutual spiritual enrichment and plays an important role in the spiritual development of members of society.

5, the function of primary social control ensures the fulfillment of social norms by family members, especially those who do not have a sufficient ability to build their behavior in full accordance with social norms.

This applies to the elderly, children and those family members who suffer from any physical disability.

6. the sexual-erotic function is realized in the sexually erotic needs of family members. The family in this sense regulates the sexually erotic orientation of the behavior of family members, and also ensures the biological reproduction of society.

Over time, it takes place in the content and significance of various functions of the family, depending on social conditions. In the modern family, the importance of such functions as emotional, spiritual, sexual, erotic and educational functions has increased significantly. Marriage is seen in our time as a union based on emotional ties rather than economically material ones. ...

The functions described above, of course, do not provide a guaranteed explanation of the life of the family, but they at least somehow determine it.

Attention should be paid to violations of the functions of the family, which impede or impede the performance of the family's functions, and represent one of the features of its life. We list the main factors contributing to the violation of the implementation of family functions:

personal characteristics of family members (character, temperament, value orientations, etc.)

relationships between family members, as well as the level of cohesion and mutual understanding in the family

certain living conditions of the family.

For example, consider the factors contributing to the violation of the implementation of the educational function of the family. K. Such factors can be attributed

incomplete family

insufficient level of knowledge and skills of parents in raising children

negativity between parents

family conflict (not only on upbringing but also on other issues related to family upbringing)

interference by relatives in raising children

FAMILY STRUCTURE allows you to determine how responsibilities and rights are distributed among its members, who is in charge and who is performing. From the point of view of the structure, one can distinguish such families in which the leadership and organization of all its functions are concentrated in the hands of one of its family members (centralized authoritarian style), seven where all family members take part in solving certain problems (democratic system of relations)

The most common age structure of families in our society is a family that includes the husband, the wife of the children and someone from the older generation (grandparents)

The family is most often focused on the equal distribution of rights and responsibilities, as well as on equal participation in solving all family problems.

Family structure disorders are such features of its structure that impede the performance of its functions. This may be an uneven distribution of household responsibilities between spouses, since it interferes with the satisfaction of the needs of one of the spouses in the development of physical strength in meeting spiritual needs. Another reason is family conflict.

Family dynamics. The structure and functions of the family change at different stages of the family's life. There are several periodizations of the family life cycle based on the presence or absence of children in the family, as well as their age. We have a widespread periodization of E.K. Vasilieva, which includes five stages of the life cycle:

The birth of a family (from the moment of marriage until the birth of the first child). The most important tasks solved at this stage: psychological adaptation of spouses to the conditions of family life and psychological characteristics of each other; Purchase of housing and joint property; forming relationships with relatives. The complex process of the formation of intra-family and outside family relations, the convergence of habits, ideas, values \u200b\u200bat this stage is very intense and intense. An indirect reflection of all these difficulties is the number and causes of divorce.

The birth and upbringing of children is an indirect stage in the life cycle - an established mature family that includes minor children. In family life, this is the time of the greatest economic and household activity and active transformation of the function of spiritual communication and emotional function. The spouses face the task of preserving the emotional and spiritual community in new conditions that differ from those in which the family was created. Relationships were formed in the field of leisure and entertainment. In the conditions of the workload of both spouses with everyday and professional duties, the spiritual and emotional community is much more manifested in the desire to help each other, mutual sympathy and emotional support. The educational function is especially significant at this stage. Ensuring the physical and spiritual development of children is felt by family members as the most important task during this period.

At this stage, various problems and violations arise. The main sources of disruption to family life are

Overloading one of the spouses or both, overstraining their physical and moral strength

the need to restructure emotionally spiritual relationships

It is at this stage that various occurrences of emotional cooling are especially often observed: adultery, sexual disharmony and divorce due to “disappointment in character” and love for another person. The main violations here are associated with educational difficulties.

Completion of family life. This period includes the following moments: the end of the family's educational function, the beginning of the labor activity of children, the beginning of an independent family life for children and the care of the older generation for the growing up. all these processes determine the quality of the life of the family. Shifts in everyday life associated with the peculiarities of return are especially obvious. The gradual weakening of physical strength increases the role of the restorative functions of everyday life, rest becomes important. With the deterioration of health, the problems associated with it come to the fore. Seven members acquire an active part in housework and childcare. new roles of ‘grandparents’ appear, especially in the first years of life of grandchildren. Some of the problems that children face in the first stages of their 2nd family life are transferred to the older generation. completion of the main life cycle, work activity, retirement, narrowing of the circle of contacts and opportunities sharpens the need for the older generation for recognition from children. A particularly noticeable role at this stage is played by the feeling of being needed and important for children and loved ones.

Factors contributing to a family disorder

And now we will consider the main points characteristic of the emergence and manifestation of a family conflict. All the difficulties that a family faces can be divided according to the duration and strength of their action.

super strong stimuli. For example, the death of one of the members of social status. Disease of a loved one, etc.

long-term (chronic irritants). Such difficulties include, for example, physical and mental stress in everyday life, at work, difficulties in solving housing problems, long and persistent conflict between family members

there are two more types

Difficulties associated with a sharp change in the family's lifestyle. These are mental difficulties that arise at the border of the change in the stages of the life cycle, which were mentioned above. Such transitions are accompanied by a sharp change in lifestyle.

Difficulties associated with their summation and overlapping. for example, the need for a practical solution to the problem at the beginning of the second stage, that is, after the birth of the first child in the family, completion of education, mastering a profession, caring for a child, initial acquisition of property, solving a family problem.

According to the source of occurrence, family problems are divided into three types.

Associated with the stages of family life, that is, primary difficulties that are experienced by all families in a more or less acute form, adaptation to each other, the formation of relations with relatives at the first stage; problems of upbringing and caring for a child; maintaining a labor-intensive household on the second. These difficulties at certain points in the life of the family lead to crises. the first crisis is possible at the end of the first year of marriage. The second is between the third and seventh years. The third is between seventeen and twenty-five years old.

Difficulties caused by unfavorable life cycle options are those that arise in the absence of one of its members (spouses, children) in the family. The reasons may be divorce, prolonged separation of spouses, the presence of an illegitimate child.

Situational disturbances are difficulties of relatively short duration that threaten the functioning of the family (serious illness of family members, large property losses). A special role in this is played by the factor of surprise (unpreparedness of family members for this or that event), exclusivity, a feeling of helplessness (uncertainty that seven can provide a safe future).

The most important consequence of all these disorders is an adverse effect on the mental health of individuals, which subsequently only aggravates the nonviability of the family, a state of dissatisfaction, neuropsychic stress and inhibits personality development.

Any family seeks to counteract and prevent adverse consequences. sometimes difficulties have a mobilizing, integrating effect, and sometimes they weaken, strengthen the contradiction. This unequal resilience of families to hardships is explained in different ways.

Most often, the mechanism for solving problems is considered in relation to families who know how to do this (to identify them, to realize, to put forward the most suitable solution)

There are also groups of families that easily adapt to adverse conditions. This is facilitated by the flexibility of relationships, not too rigid and not too "vague" degree of clarity in the formulation of role expectations, family cohesion, openness in the perception of the world around, really the ability to resolve